Childhood. Or rather, the memories I have of it. (parrt 1)

If I had to describe my childhood I would say these things:
Eventful.
Seasonal.
Imperfect.
Bright.

There was never a dull moment when I was growing up. I suppose that's how everyone's mind is. Just remembering the special events. But I remember more than most kids do, I think.

The farthest I can remember is being 4 years old. I remember the sunrise in the murky April sky over Salt Lake City, Utah. Everything was bright. Our new apartment was at garden level, but it was okay. My bed was bright white, KK's was bright pink. Later, though not too far into the future I would get my head stuck in the side of that bed. Our space would become ocupied by two more delicate beings, our cats, Gato (the siamese that belonged to KK, because at such an age you can still hold animals as your own) and Mow (the simple white cat who died of a heart disease after giving birth to TONS of kittens. Seriously. That cat would make octomom jealous.). I remember the day I was sick, and mom took me to work with her. On the way, we went to albertson's, and since it was close to valentine's day, they had some cute little stuffed animals out. Mom bought me one. I named him fluffy.

At age 5, I remember starting school at Crestview. I remember KK's crush, Crosby. And I remember my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Kennington. She wasn't nice. I suppose the fault of why I don't like autority lies on her shoulders. She was like Ursula, only fatter. I remember the day the firemen came to talk to us, and I made a fireman hat. Mom keeps a picture of that somewhere. Little me, with straight teeth and tangled hair, wearing a paper hat colored red. I remember saying goodbye to the kids in my class when we told them we were moving.

At age 6, I remember going to school at Mountain Shadows. I can't remeber my first grade teachers name. She wasn't as bad as Mrs. Kennington, but she wasn't nice either. I remember walking into the boy's bathrooms and the teacher showing us so we wouldn't be curious and want to go in later. I remember the first crush I ever really had. CF. He was the epitamy of cute to me in those days. (I just took the time to look him up on facebook. WEIRD). I  remember realizing that the seasons really did change. I remember my sisters best friend BBM. He was cute. I remember Kaileeth, whos name I use freely because there is no lastname in my memory for her. I remember the little mexican kid who used to hand out with us, Mikey. He was not cute. I remember the taking of this picture:

I wore those snowboots everyday. Fluffy was 2 in this picture. Young'n. My last memory of being 5 was hearing my mom and my grandpa fighting. Who knew that would be the main song on the playlist of my youth.

Being 6 doesn't have as many memories. There was Mrs. Dean. She was wonderful. She let us keep preying mantises in the class and she told us the truth. She was one of the only teachers I saw cry when the planes crashed on 9/11/02. She cried for hours. That day is burned into my memory. Walking onto the back playground, the one that the little kids could use, and Dillon (everyone called him lion) telling me that there were 2 plane crashes. I argued with him about it until we walked into class, and Mrs. Dean was crying. She was not just tearing up either. There were the big heavy sobs, the tears, and the sadden air about her to tell me that Dillion was telling the truth.

Being 7 was the worst. I'm pretty sure nothing good happened when I was seven years old. I was walking to the breadstore with my sister, and she was ahead of me. I was crossing the street when a car hit me. I was fine, but the paramedics still came. No bruises. My lucky day. I was walking back from RG's house when Mikey's dog attacked me. Her name was Baby, and she was anything but small. She chased me while I screamed. I still dont like pittbulls no matter how harmless they are. Mikey had just become my best friend, and he never spoke to me after that. We had kissed on the monkey bars in my backyard. My first kiss. With a mexican. KK and I were playing a game with some neighbor kids and I went inside to cut up and orange. I cut my finger open, and had to get it glued. Then I was playing in my backyard, and I fell off a metal swing set and and broke my arm.



I, Penstemon Koda, amd getting tired. So I will finish this instalment tomorrow after I send Paul home for the night. Goodnight.

life changed. More.

RA was not the best thing the happen to me. we were over pretty fast.
I also gave up 2 of those enimies, and gained a new one.
I was not in love with RA. I was in a strong form of lust. There is a differnce.
But I did gain a new story.

This story does not begin as some stories begin. This story begins in the heat of a battle.
BM, my new bestest friend (at the time) was dating the unfortunate EM. EM would have been an alright choice for BM, were he not such a controlling jerk.
On this particular day of the battle, EM was not being particularly terrible.
He might have been silently starting a civil war. (lack of capitalization is intentional. Pun intended. There is no such thing as a civil war. Wars are gruesom. Not civil).
Amongst the turmoil, I found myself staring into the eyes of the most dangerous thing I have ever known.
This is the first name I have mentioned. I am aware, and I altered it. His name is Paul. Yes, in the non-blog world, he and i do have alliteration-al names. But for now we will stick with Penstemon & Paul.
He isn't perfect, but he isn't in shambles. He isn't self righteous, but he isn't a pity party-er either.
Paul is my better half.
And at the moment where this story begins, I was looking into Paul's eyes in the back of his old bronco at the city park.
He said something.
And I looked down and shook my head.
Did he really just say that?
There is no way!
Did he really just ask me that?
The next words from him stumbled like a stream temporarily caught by a rock, gurgling forth from behind his lower lip.
"Is that a no?"
I looked into his easter-blue eyes.
"yes."
NO NO NO.
He did not just ask me to marry him, if that is what you are thinking. That hasn't happened yet. He asked me to be his girlfriend.
I was someone's something.
And I still am.
That night continued on.
Happy things happened.
My birthday, for example. He was there, watching as i blew out the candles.
We are, as the saying goes, attached at the hip.
I haven't gone a day without seeing him in over 3 weeks.
And March 25th will be the official day when my life as a high-school sweetheart begins.
BM and EM had a big, nasty ordeal.
She and I were fighting about things, And she had been mad at me all day. After school she asked to come with me and Paul to the store, and then she wanted a ride home. I was cool with it, but after how her attitude towards me had been all day, Paul was a little worried. When we got to the store, she stayed in the Bronco. That pissed me off pretty good. Paul and I continued inside. She waited. We brought out a friend of hers, TC, to see her, and she got out of the car. If words could kill, I would have been six feet under when she said "finally, a real friend comes". We let her go off with TC, trusting him to take her to our house. (She lived with me). Paul and I went to his house for a minute, then left over to home. Turns out BM decided to go to EM's house. I texted her a brief apology for the events that day. She said she was sorry too and that she would be home later. Paul and I went down into our theatre room and i started to feel like something was wrong. But I wasn't sure what it was. I  fell asleep with Paul on the couch, and awoke with a start when I heard my mom talking upstairs. I told Paul to wait where he was because there was no telling what was going on.
When I got upstairs, my mom's face was flushed and she told me that KK, my sister, was going to get BM. BM's grandmother had been waging daily wars with my poor mother and mom wanted BM to come home and call her. We tried calling BM, but there was no answer. We texted her and told her that we would be over soon to pick her up. Paul knows how terrible I am at directions, so he had my sister follow us over to EM's house. When we got there, EM's mom came over to the bronco and was all prickly when she asked why there were two cars. I explained, and she went inside to get BM. KK wanted to know what was going on, so she came up to the bronco and talked to us. Just about then, EM called KK and said BM would not be making it outside right now. To this, BM took the phone and told us she would be spending the night at someone's house so she could "catch up on homework". BM may be smart, but she never does any homework. This made everyone suspicious, and EM called Mom and told her that BM was, in fact, drunk as a skunk and unable to walk. A few minutes later, out stumbled BM with no shoes on. She got into the bronco first, then clamored into the van. Thats when the screaming started. First she said "he hurt me" and then came "i just wanted someone to help me". There was also the occasional "I'm bleeding" and the rare "they called it a rape drink". EM tried to explain, all through lies, and BM was rushed to the hospital by the Koda Clan.
Things haven't been good since then, but lets just say BM and EM, though required by law to split, are still together, and Paul is the love of my life.

Paul makes my heart sing.
I swear, nothing makes me happier than the sound of his sweet voice calling my name.
He is my Prince.
And I, His Princess.
And we are happy.
Who would have thought that my first boyfriend since SA and I'm happy.
Nah, I don't think that SA counts as a real relationship.
So that would mean he is my first real boyfriend since IO!!!
CRAZY?!?!!?!?!?!
yes. yes it is.
I'm not sure what the future holds now.
Maybe Paul and I will get married.
He moved the old tear ring from my casual hand onto my serious hand.
And sometimes when we go places, we pretend we are engaged.
Paul is not perfect, as I said before.
But nor am I.
He makes me happy
and I feel lucky to have him.
Maybe one day I will be Mrs. Paul.
Who knows.

penstemon & paul.

I don't know if we are soul mates.

but i do know that your are my best friend,

and the love of my life.

and thats what i know.

so this is penstemon koda. I love music, and i love Paul.


look up 2 songs
Perfect Two by auburn
&
The Last Night by Skillet

Thanks for reading.

Life Changed.

I can't say things haven't changed a lot, because they have.
I moved home.
I learned that sex is not the answer.
I made 3 new enemies in the form of CS EH and JB.
I learned that tell my mom everything is a good thing to do.
I learned that I love music.
I lost my hate for boys in the army.
I learned to move on.
I started texting..
I got a new phone.
I lost weight.
I love my mom.
I hate my sister.
I wrote 2 songs in 1 week.
I started a journal.
I came back to school.
Jeffrey and Jacob are over.
I meet new people all the time.
I am in love.


RA is the newest addition to my list of loves, and he made his way right up there to the top right next to chocolate covered cherries, chicken nuggets, sewing, and music. He is wonderful. But I'm unsure.
The last time I believed I was in love was with SA. And SA broke my heart into 5.5million pieces which I still loved him with. I am completely over every past relationship. MG, AS, JR, even KS! But even after a wound heals, it still leaves a scar. The scar left by SA was disfiguring, for a while. Now it has reduced in size, but it is still there. RA is wonderful. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He keeps me away from other people, oh wait, that part isn't wonderful. I just don't get it. He has met every person I live with, and LH, and BM, and TM, and their mom, and he has dealt first hand with the contention twins and he doesn't mind. But when it comes to his friends and family, something is missing. I met AS, a friend of his whom I set up with CS's little sister, CS. I met his cousin, who proceeded to tell RA that I was texting him constantly asking where RA was and who he was with etc.. which I wasn't. This caused a minor infraction between RA and myself, which led to nothing. But other than those two people in his life, I have not met anyone else. We have only been a few public places together. This is the only thing about the entire relationship that worries me. We aren't together, and I am okay with that. If I wanted a relationship, I could find one elsewhere, but I just want him, with or without the relationship. I haven't changed my fb relationship status, simply because people would ask who i was with, then he would deny it, and i would look like and idiot. I tried posting a cute kissing picture on fb, and i tagged him in it. He hastily untagged himself, so I removed the picture. I felt horrible, and the thought of it right now is bringing on memory heartburn.

I'm talking about that.

a song i wrote today:

SHOOTING STARS (IF WE WERE TOGETHER)
when you kiss me in your car
i feel like we could go far
and i would love you forever
if we were together
when your lips brush my cheek
i feel sparks, so it seems
i know we could last
if you gave me the chance
you and i are
like shooting stars
make a wish, cause baby
this is it
all we're built on
it makes us strong
forever
if we were together
take my hand into yours
bring me onto the dance floor
i don't care
if people stare
they might ask us how we met
they might ask us if we let
stupid things come between us
I'll be kind and just
you and i are
like shooting stars
make a wish, cause baby
this is it
all we're built on
it makes us strong
forever
if we were together
make me laugh, and make me cry
give me stars in my eyes
love me forever, or just for a day
we know i will stick in your heart either way
there's something more to this
it feels like cosmic bliss
and you and i, baby, we should try
there is nothing left to say
you know you text me everyday
i call you nicknames to my friends
doesn't feel like this can end
you and i are
like shooting stars
make a wish, cause baby,
this is it
all we're built on
has made us this strong
i will love you forever
even if we aren't together
there's a twinkle in your eye
representing tears I've cried
and I'll be here for any you loose
but i know it's me you'll never choose

copyright 2011 Penstemon Koda. All Rights Reserved.

I'm done for today. see ya in a little while.

Next in Line for the Crown

So you know how the other day I could NOT think of that song about cutting? Well I finnally searched the Big Black Book of Songs, and I found it. I was titled "This Is Why" and the lyrics go like this

I wasted all my shooting stars 

and thought that we could go real far

but I guess not

I told my friends about you and

Could see myself holding  your hand

Because your hot

I tend to over react but
This time you didn't make me cut

It starts out as a little sting
And then a red line appears
Now I can't feel any thing
Smilin' though my tears
This time is the last time
that i need you here
The sooner you tell the truth
The easier it is to bear
I wonder if she looks like me
and what color is her hair?

I tend to overeact but
this is why i cut
It starts out as a little sting
and then a red line appears
Now i can't feel anything
Smilin' through my tears
This time it is no crime
That i need you here

Its one of my shorter songs, and i was super fusterated when i wrote it, but i came out pretty nice.
So I'm in the mood to tell you june bugs about my whole thing with MG

So it starts out a while ago in a little place called rigby.

It had been about a Month since my mom gave birth to my little brother hutch, who was stillborn.

I had been going to school in Idaho Falls even though we had moved to rigby, but we decided it was just too much to commute down there every morning, so i started going to Rigby Jr. High. 

I was at Cindy's getting my hair done, and i asked her about her son. She said he wasn't going to the prom that was happening that night because his date had to go to a funeral in Utah. So i told her that i would go with him. Keep in mind that i was 15 at the time and MG was 18 going on 19 and i was a freshman while he was a senior. So she calls my mom to make sure its okay, and my mom says its fine. So she tries to get ahold of MG who is at his sister's house moving wood. She calls and calls, but he has his phone off. So she sends me home and says "if you dont hear from me or him by 3 then dont worry about it." so i go home, and talk to my mom, and she and booboo and i lay down to take a nap. At 2:53, i get a phone call. When i answer, there is the smoothest, handsomest voice i have ever heard on the other line, saying he will pick me up at 5 to go to iggy's in idaho falls, and then we will go to the dance. So i get dressed and do my makeup, and at 5:15 there is a knock on the door. Its him. and he looks amazing and he has a corsage in his hand. So my mom takes a ton of pictures and then we leave. The whole night is amazing. And at the end of it, we pull up to my house in his white dodge. He gets out of the truck and comes and opens my door. So i get out and give him a hug, and hope that he will give my a goodnight kiss or even just his phone number, but he doesn't. He just hugs me for a while, then lets go and gets back into his truck and leaves. So 3 weeks go by. And I don't hear anything from him. Its the last day of school and me and all my friends decide to walk home. So I am walking along and we are all dying of thrist. So i ask them if they want to stop by cindy's house and get a drink. When I do, she gives me our dance pictures. I thank her and go to leave, and ask im walking away, she comes running after me. MG had just called and was asking her for my number. And i give it to her. Then when we are about a mile away, I call her and ask if I can have his number. She says yes, and gives it to me. and I start texting him. And for the next 2 months we text every day and most of the night. Then we decide its time for us to hang out. My mom says she will pay us $20 if we clear all of the weeds out of her yard. So we agree to it, and i go to get my hair done that morning and mike brings me back home and we pull weeds for a while. Then we go inside to bake cookies, and the whole time we are baking cookies he is standing next to me, and talking to me, and eating the dough and being all cute. 

Then the phone rings. And its my ex DIO and he askes what im doing and i tell him to come help us finish pulling the weeds. so he comes over, and MG starts acting all weird. And he leaves. DIO stays for a while, and while he is still there, I'm texting MG.
MG and his dad were restoring his dad's old camaro, the one that his dad purposed to his mom in. And MG is telling me about it. And I ask him if he is going to purpose to the girl he marries in it. And he says yes. And I ask him if he already knows who it is. And he says he has a pretty good idea. I ask him, thinking he will say me, who she is. And he says his girlfriend. Im completely excited at this point, and I ask him what her name is, because i was completely under the impression that he was talking about me. And he says her name is ashlee and she lives in Idaho Falls. And they have been dating for 3 months, and she was the gir he had origionally asked to prom.

I WAS DEVASTATED!!!!
So I get back together with DIO and a bunch of dumb crap happens there. 

And now every once in a while I test MG.}
But he never replies.

So that day, when he told me that he was with someone else, i wrote the song This Is Why.
And the part "I wonder if she looks like me, and what color is her hair?" that is refering to Ashlee. 

So there is the story of how MG broke my heart, and how I wasted my summer between 9th and tenth grade. :)

So anyway, I'm in the mood to write a song.

How about a song about being next in line for a broken heart, but we can call the broken heart a crown. :))

Until we meet again, june bugs, may the music you listen to be upbeat!

My Life, As I knew It

Goodmorning. And welcome to the blogspot of penstemon koda. Yeah, thats right, I changed my name for theatrical purposes, and to everyone who knows me by other titles, refer to me as what you want. :)

So I'm starting this blog as a way to document my daily life and all the fun stuff that goes with it! 

Lets jump right in. 

So I didn't have work today. Which should be good right?
WRONG!

I have spent my whole day in sweatpants and an element tee shirt that i have had since seventh grade. I was thinking of taking my grandpa to dinner later at applebees, but I'm not sure if either of us is up to it. He's in the kitchen now, asking me what I am typing about. hmm what to say what to say. Nothing to quircky to say. I'll just ignore him...
So he told me that he almost has the sound studio completely set up and we should be able to get recording by next sunday! YAY!!! I'm kinda wanting to write a new song, but the only tunes i can get into my head feel all jazzy and weird. DANG YOU YACOB AND YOUR SKA AND ENGLISH MUSIC!!!! 

So I'm thinking and I might record some new videos for youtube. I have my camera and everything, so why not?

But i would have to get all dressed up and pretty first. 

Hey, if you haven't seen my first one go check it out. 

Dear Old Boys

yeah, thats the name of it. Dear Old Boys. I wrote it for AJP because we were both so mad at men. It was directed at MG and JR. (mike and jared). 

Hey i just remebered another song i wrote, but i dont think i wrote it in the Big Black Book Of Songs. It was called... hmm i just dont remember. I wrote it around that same time though. It was about cutting. Hmmm... I dont know! Wow that is going to bother me for forever!

Well I'm off to record some videos. Have a good day!